11:47pm feelings [archive]

I wish I knew what feelings felt like, so that I could learn to feel them better. It’s hard to understand a concept you thought you knew this whole time, but it turns out you never knew at all. Sadness just meant wanting to die. Happiness was an exclamation mark in your chest. Late at night, a quiet house, no notifications on your phone – that’s loneliness, right? Itchy, itchy, scratching at your skin. Anxiety – or is that fear? Nervous? Excited? I’m not sure. I’m never sure. Sometimes, it’s almost like a switch I can flip. I can’t deal with this now, I will later. Flip. Click. Done. Get home, under the covers, lights off – cry. Cry and cry because there’s something inside you, a huge, buzzing bug. A tornado. It wants out. I want it out. I want to feel what you’re feeling. I want to look at someone pretty and want to kiss them. I want to feel the heat in my belly everyone talks about. What is real and what did I make up? A chameleon, blending, blending. Blending so much I disappeared. See – replicate. See – replicate. Do things just because – because you’re supposed to? An empty shell but I’m in here, I’m in here, I swear. If I asked you to tell me what it’s like to feel – could you? If I asked you to tell me what love is like – would you be able to? Would you think it strange, my virgin heart? My empty chest?

free writing - from the archive - 2023